verb (1)
in•vest | \in-vest\
invested; investing; invests
Collegiate Definition (Entry 1 of 2)

1 :to commit (money) in order to earn a financial return
2 :to make use of for future benefits or advantages
// invested her time wisely
3 :to involve or engage especially emotionally
// were deeply invested in their children’s lives

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What have I invested in all these years? Have I wasted my time?

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A walk, a talk, coffee in hand. Musings and fears spoken into the air. Who would we be now if we’d not put so much on hold? Could we be better versions of ourselves if we’d started the work years ago? Would I have been happier sooner if I’d left before last year?

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Contemplation.

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The truth is I wasn’t ready. I had the thought many times. I wondered what it would look like. It mostly looked like fear to me. I thought in gaining peace I would lose everything.

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Fear.

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It held me back in many ways. That feeling of slogging through mud. Stuck. Yuck. Mess. Fear.

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Invest.

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What does it mean to invest in me? What would that look like to create space for me to be and breathe and love? To love the life I have, not because I created something, but because I was created to live this life.

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I wasn’t ready then. I’m not sure I’m ready now. It feels impossible. It feels foolish. It feels so 2020.

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“All I want to say to you is, ‘Fuck that, Amanda!’ Do what you want and don’t worry about being an ‘adult’.”

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There’s no safety net though.

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Except there is. I find my safety net in you. Every day. Every moment. You have my back. You hold my heart. Cherished.

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Safety.

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The world is uncertain. Nothing is guaranteed. It’s mostly uphill both ways in the snow in the quarantine.

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If not now, then when? If not with you, then with who? If not for this whisper in my head, then why for the voices screaming at me from every outside angle? I trust the whisper. We’ve learned that over the years. We’ve talked about it for years. The crazy, insane, not logical whisper, trust that. Always.