I’m feeling a little sappy.

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To be honest, friendship has always been hard for me. Do you remember being a kid and asking your friends who their best friend was? Especially asking your best friend who theirs was in order to hear them say your name? I still remember the last time I asked my friend who theirs was, expecting to hear my name, as I always had in the past, and she said someone else. Crushing. I also remember playing it off, pretending it wasn’t a big deal, because somehow at 7, I thought that was the correct response.

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Don’t get me wrong, I had friends, I had a great group of girls I grew up with. I still think about them and wonder how they are and wish them all the best. A few of them are facebook friends, a few have my number, but we don’t talk much or often.

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Something in me always felt on the outside of the group. I don’t think it had anything to do with anyone else or how I was treated. We were all generous, kind, and genuinely liked each other. No Mean Girls here. It was something with my personality, something in me still, I have a hard time believing people really like me.

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It probably comes from the fact that I’m really hard to get to know. I guard myself tight and fierce. I have a way of making friends with people but never really letting them know much about me. It’s self-protection but it backfires. While I’m still trying to decide if I can trust people I miss the oppertunity to grow relationships.

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It’s something I would like to change about myself, its slow going.

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I do cherish the friendships I have, especially the close ones. I would have tanked a long time ago without my family support and my friends are part of that. They have kept me afloat in many ways these last few years.

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It can be slow and hard to grow in the places you are planted. Some season I think it is our job to transplant ourselves. To listen to our consciousness and move to new ground. It’s been a lot of that for me in the last few years. I think I dug myself up and sat in a bucket for a long time. I might still be in the bucket, waiting for the right time to replant, to put down roots. Parts of me have died but I don’t think that’s necessarily a bad thing. Sometimes letting parts of you go allows other parts of you to grow back stronger.

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I would like to allow myself to grow stronger during this season. Quarantine was hard and we may enter a new phase of it. Schooling kids at home is hard. I’d like to prepare better for it this go around. Working outside the home and maintaining a home is hard. I’d like to find new patterns.

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My friends help me do these things. I know for a fact they keep me alive and fighitng when the darkest of days come.