Ryan said something to me a few days ago that really resonated. He told me he read an article where someone said special needs parents are caught in story purgatory.

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Today I read an article about the grief cycle special needs parents are caught in.

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On Thursday we had our community group, and someone asked, “Would it be easier to trust Jesus if we could see him and see his miracles?” It took me about a Nanosecond to respond, “No. Because the first thing I would say is, ‘You healed their person, but you didn’t heal mine.'”

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Friday, I read a devotion that a friend wrote titled, ‘Cure’. I cried as I read it. “But most of all I think that the apparent lack of complete healing has kept me dependent on God. And for that I am truly grateful.” (Kel Rohlf)

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I texted a friend later that day, just catching up things, but it always goes deep with us. She asked what my word for the year was and I told her Process. She responded, “Oh! Another thing that just popped into my head, I think from the Spirit – healing is a process.”

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When I picked the word Process, I thought it would revolve more around my work, my writing, being an author, finding my voice. I still think it will find its way into that, but I wonder if God is bringing me full circle. If he’s bringing me back to my first blog: Processing Gavyn. If he’s saying, ‘We’ve healed a lot of wounds, but not all of them, there’s more.’

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We sang ‘It Is Well’ today in church. Although a new year has begun, I’ve felt my heart holding back and I wasn’t sure why. As we sang one of the most beautiful hymns I know, tears on my cheeks, I realized why my heart is holding out, building a wall. It will be a year in February that Ryan got let go from his position at our old church. To me, this grief isn’t over, this hard year has not finished, it won’t finish until that anniversary. And while this month is full of appointments that will lead to more decisions, my heart bars the gate and holds its position for more battle. I’m preparing myself for the grief cycle of February, for community group and new people that will open the purgatory of our story, for the process that is life.

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I created a Pinterest board and playlist on Spotify for the year. It’s how I process my novels and I transferred it over to my real life. When I picked the songs, I picked it didn’t occur to me what I had done until I started listening to it this week. Most of the songs are songs I’ve clung to through the darkest days of Gavyn and Nevin’s lives. I’m not sure what that says about this coming year…

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If I told you I had high hopes for this year and was greeting it with great expectation, it would be a lie. Mostly, I’m fearful. I’m guarded. I’m ready for a fight. I’m trying to figure out what part of the story I’m allowed to tell. I’m anxious people will take it for bitterness, revenge, slander. All I want is to tell my side of it. But that is for a different blog post.

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Right now, my mind is full of snippets and wondering how you process that…