I’m having one of those moments where you feel yourself on the edge of something new. A new discovery. A new place. A new revelation. A new story to tell.

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Gavyn smashed his finger in the front door. It was bad. I’m not great with blood and there was alot of it. I had to have the oldest ride with us, holding Gavyn’s hand above his heart, keeping the finger together.

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My word for the year is Present. Last year I discovered Brave. This year I’m learning to be brave in each moment, staying present, listening, watching. I’ve been reading and listening to podcasts. One of the things I heard was staying present in small moments. Noticing the light. The rain. The bubbles in your sink.

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Gavyn sat on the gurney in the ER, fingering bleeding everywhere, we waited. I had cried. Sobbed really. I was worn. From the day. From the month. From this entire year. And suddenly, I found myself mesmerized by his freckles. Looking at them. Counting them. Thinking about them. Grounding myself in that present, horrible, painful moment, by looking at his sweet innocence. It shifted me. Nothing changed in that moment but me.

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One day we’ll be on the other side of this year and see the beautiful things we learned. Right now, it mostly hurts. Each new thing reminds me of something that died. I know jus tas the Phoenix rises from its ashes, we too will rise again, but first, you have to become ash.