mud & mess

I walked out of a muddy situation over two years ago.

The life I had tried to build and create began to crumble.

I’ll be honest; it never held well. From the beginning, it had faults and cracks that weren’t suitable for building on. I ignored them and tried to press on. I felt the pressure to do things right, and if I messed them up to fix them. The problem was that fixing the problem the right way would have been me walking away. I didn’t have the maturity or life experience under me to know this. I kept trying to build in the mud, repeatedly frustrated that it didn’t hold.

Two years ago, I hit my breaking point and climbed out of the mud.

It wasn’t even remotely easy.

I felt like a bomb. I was ticking down to explosion, and I knew when I went off, a lot of destruction and people would get hurt. My best option was to pick where and who I would explode on.

Mostly, in the end, I picked not to explode on myself. It was time to choose me. I knew that choosing me would save the people I cared about the most, my children. If I didn’t start to stand up for myself and take care of myself, I was going to end up running for my life and ruining theirs. Choosing to fight for them came easy; it always had; picking to fight for me did not come naturally. I’m still learning.

I think a lot of women can relate to that. We are bombarded with a lot of messages as women. Taking care of everyone else and everything else is a big one. One that doesn’t serve us or others well. My choices in continually sacrificing myself put me in a lot of danger and depression.

I wish I had heard, listened, and fought for myself long ago. I am now.

I’m working on creating a new and beautiful life. I’m washing the mud away, clearing my mind, trying new ways, and learning not to beat my head against a wall any longer. It’s my story and maybe yours.

I’m learning to create beauty and give myself a second chance.