down angle photography of red clouds and blue sky

walking back to me

I write, I delete, I try again. Again and again and again. I can’t get the words to come today. The thoughts and feelings swirl in my mind. They have been for days now. Getting it to come out how I want is proving to be hard work. I scroll through past blogs and wonder when I will stop going in circles, posting the same things time and again. Will I ever come up with an original thought? I’m starting to think not. Something about writing has helped me my whole life. I need to let go of the desire to be or feel poignant. If I could let the words flow freely, I’d be better off, right?

What is it I want to say?

What is it I need to say?

Where am I trying to go?

I’m trying to get back to me. It sounds stupid. I feel like a snowflake when I say it. Truth rings in it when I think it. I’ve spent a lot of years trying to be what I thought I should be and who I thought people wanted. I tried fitting into little boxes. I tried to stay positive and upbeat when I felt anything but. I’m not sure I can or want to keep doing that. 2020 allowed a lot of us to strip away things we didn’t like about our lives. I want to rebuild mine the way I want it for the first time ever.

Perhaps this is a blog to me by me. A letter to myself to remind me what makes me come alive. What kills my joy. What I believe and why I think it. What if this is the place I learn to become me fully and stop trying to please the masses.

What then?

What now?

Now I stop hitting the delete button and just press publish.

See what follows after.