You know how some experiences and moments change the trajectory of your life and you’re never the wholesale mlb jerseys same? I’ve had a few of those over the years. Some that were more lighthearted than with others. But who wants to talk about those? Boring people. Joking. Anyway… Almost six years ago our lives changed drastically in one of those moments. I can still remember standing in the PICU of Cardinal Glennon having Dr. Andreone look at us and says, wholesale mlb jerseys “I don’t think your son is going to die. I think you got him here soon enough.” I cheap mlb jerseys honestly have no idea what she said after that because my mind, heart, hearing, and breathing had stopped. Gavyn was two weeks old when that happened.

It was 21 days of hell that changed me forever.

It has not been all sunshine and rainbows since then.

December of 2015 found us in the hospital for an extended stay again. The first four days were really rough and frightening. Gavyn was not doing well and we had real moments of wondering if he would come back to us. The little boy next to his room passed away while we were there. It was not a good time. It was a very bleak visit for us. The first night I didn’t stay at the hospital, I came home, got my other kids to bed, watched some TV, and then went to bed. I couldn’t fall asleep I was so anxious and mad. I’ve always had moments of tense self blaming Childhood over Gavyn. In those times Dr. Werner usually comes to mind saying,

“You can’t stare at the stars blaming yourself for all of this.”

I rarely listen to him though. But that night in particular I was really struggling and ugly crying. I didn’t feel any strength to get up the next day and do the hospital again. In that moment I heard a very audible voice telling me that this was Gavyn’s story, this was always going to be his story, it had nothing to do with me and my choices. A few days after we left the hospital I stumbled upon Isaiah 42:16 and realized it was the Review words spoken over me that night.

And I will lead the blind in a way that they do not know,

in paths that they have not known I will guide them.

I will turn the darkness before them into light,

the rough places into level ground.

These are the things I do,

and I do not forsake them.

Fast forward to January 2 of this year. We found Gavyn in his bed having a seizure. He doesn’t have seizures. And wholesale mlb jerseys this was a full on, foaming at the mouth, convulsing, unresponsive, might stop breathing, seizure. We called 911 and took him to the hospital. He had three seizures that night and two of them lasted for thirty minutes and didn’t stop until medication was given. I hadn’t felt that panic since he was wholesale jerseys an infant. It was even more intense because of the things I know now. And as I “I stood over him in the ER and the Resident spoke the words, ‘bacterial infection’, and ‘meningitis’, my world imploded. I couldn’t stop first the tears and all I heard in my head was that voice again, telling me how this was Gavyn’s story, it was always going to be his story.

Gavyn’s alright. He’s home again, with a new medication and a new team of doctors.

But all I keep wondering is:

What is Gavyn’s story?

Why us? And I  don’t mean that in a shallow self pity way. Why is this his story and our story? Why was he chosen to be the blind man that needed leading down the rocky path? Why am I faced with his mortality, monthly, weekly, daily? Those are my questions and I don’t known that I will ever get answers, that’s also really okay. Sometimes the answer to one question only leads to twenty more questions. So what is the purpose of this posts…

Our life is beautiful and complicated. In our family we talk about really scary things with our kids all the time. Because that is our reality and we have to. We have to face it all the time. We have to process through this stuff. I’ve walked the stages of grief over my children and the things that have been robbed from them. And that’s good and beautiful and painful. That’s it, that’s my life. It is part depression of Gavyn’s story which makes it part of his brothers stories and his dad’s and mine. And I wouldn’t change Gavyn for the moon. He is amazing and he changes people every. single. day. Like, for real, you should be so lucky to know him.