I’m on a leadership team for a moms group at my church. The curriculum (if you will) had a 28 day challenge. We decided we would all do it together this month and share our experiences with one another. We are on day 6 and it has already wrecked me in surprising ways. Each day we read a short essay, there is some type of activity at the end to participate in, and in the back of the book is Truth or Dare for each day.

Truth: What do you need to give yourself permission to feel? What hurts are waiting to be seen?

Dare: Sit in the dark alone for 30 minutes tonight.

That was yesterdays challenge. Since I’m not prone to deal with my feelings, I chose to sit outside. I know. I’m real healthy like that. Anyway… I thought it would be a nice escape. Not so much. I grabbed my favorite blanket, put my jammies on, and went to the trampoline, to lie down and stare at the stars. This should be easy, right?  As the dark closed in around me, the sounds of chirping crickets flooded my ears, and rustling in the bushes scared the pee out of me, I realized I can’t ever escape these hard feelings. They follow you around. As much as I have things in my life I don’t want to deal with, eventually I will have to face them head on. It won’t be pretty. It will suck. I’m sure there will be ugly crying. Right now isn’t the moment though. I can feel the time coming, but I can feel it isn’t here yet. I’m not ready yet. And that’s ok. It’s just baby steps at a time. Baby steps towards the hurt, baby steps to heal it.

By the end of the 30 minutes, I came away with these little “poems” swirling in my head. They are terrible, but here it goes.

(1)

I try to capture the words in my mind

The ones that float by

They go so fast and are always out of reach

Never formed to full words

Only feelings of them

So I write stories of lies

Made up of people

Who tell my truths

 

(2)

If I look hard

Just out of the corner of my eye

I can see the whole Milky Way

Before the white light eats it away

 

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