journal

Jul 3rd, 2020 A Year on The Porch arstanley 2 min read

I was having quiet time this morning when something in me told me to go find my prayer journal from the previous year. I searched around my room and studio but never found the book. I saw my journal from 2018/19 sitting on a stack and grabbed it. . I had been told perhaps I didn’t know how to ask for help. I had been…

building

Jul 2nd, 2020 A Year on The Porch arstanley 4 min read

Yesterday was a hard day. I’m learning things about myself during this journey, such as, I expect too much of myself some days. I try and cram in more than I should in a day. I don’t work on Wednesdays right now (hi, quarantine) and I try to pack in as much fun and as much work at home as I can on those days….

hallway

Jul 1st, 2020 A Year on The Porch arstanley 3 min read

I wanted to sit in the hallway for as long as it took me to process what had happened and what continued to happen. . I needed space. It felt like I needed more space than was acceptable to you. More space than you were comfortable in giving me. . I kept asking for everything to stop. To hold on. To sit. Wait. . You…

lamppost

Jun 30th, 2020 A Year on The Porch arstanley 3 min read

This picture of me felt like the first time I ever saw myself. . You keep telling me I’ve changed so much. . Most days, I don’t see it. . Then somedays, I catch a glimpse of me, and I don’t recognize the girl in the photo. The girl in the mirror. . You say it in a negative way. . I asked my friends…

harvest

Jun 29th, 2020 A Year on The Porch arstanley 3 min read

There is a season for everything and everything has a season. That’s what they tell us, right? . I could feel my limbs creak like a dried-out tree in winter when I tried to write. I wasn’t dead, not yet, but the season of being dormant had set in deep. Autumn had come like a thief, stripping away things I loved and held dear. ….

detachment

Jun 28th, 2020 A Year on The Porch arstanley 4 min read

I had to take a class as part of my legal hearing. I thought it would be about kids but it ended up being more about me. I hadn’t anticipated walking away from it with new thoughts on where I was in my life but I did. I found it helpful and not a waste of my time. . We spend a lot of time…

stay

Jun 26th, 2020 A Year on The Porch arstanley 2 min read

“I’ll stay.” . Words I wept a number of times during the month of November. Words I carried with me through December. Words that I often think on, remembering, pondering, holding. . In October I sat in my therapist’s office. I relayed this feeling of wanting to run away. How I spent a lot of energy thinking about running away when things happened, like cleaning…

a memory, a grudge, a holding on…

Jun 24th, 2020 A Year on The Porch arstanley 2 min read

“I wish I could do better by you‘Cause that’s what you deserveYou sacrifice so much of your lifeIn order for this to workWhile I’m off chasing my own dreamsSailing around the worldPlease, know that I’m yours to keepMy beautiful girlWhen you cry a piece of my heart diesKnowing that I may have been the causeIf you were to leave, fulfill someone else’s dreamsI think I…

heed: examples, verb: // she failed to heed the warnings.

Jun 23rd, 2020 A Year on The Porch arstanley 4 min read

I carry around vitamins in my van. I’m sure this has compromised their integrity with temperature changes. I put them in the van in the dead of winter because it was the one place I knew I would remember to take them. Before the world went into lockdown my van was the place I spent most of my time. . I’ve cried a lot of…

it has been a year

Jun 21st, 2020 A Year on The Porch arstanley 3 min read

There are a lot of thoughts swirling in my mind right now. . Reading the last post made here almost exactly a year ago is hard. I can feel it in my tone, the unraveling that had started much longer ago but was beginning to seep through. My deep sadness I could not mask any longer. My deep need to be seen and heard and…