I’ve been growing quiet, slowing down, feeling as if I have less to say here. I’m realizing it is not that I have less to say, it is that I am moving away from needing to say things about what happened last year. I’m giving myself permission to close that collection, so to speak. I’m giving myself space to move away from it, call it complete, but still a theme that will forever weave into my story.

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Even saying it is ‘complete’ feels a little wrong. Huge parts of your story are never complete. They’ve been woven into the fabric of who I am and it will continually color the way I see the world. It will forever impact the way I feel about the world. It will forever be a part of the story I’m retelling because of the boys. The story I tell them and others.

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What I wrote, what I said, what I processed, are all parts of it that needed walking through. I’m grateful for the time, the space, the place, the gift to filter it out in this way.

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I have more to talk about, I have more things to say, but something about the blog feels confining now. It feels like a place I need to come and stay in that space, in that style, in that mode, and divulge the grief. I want to give myself permission to write and think on other things. So, while I know it is not something that is over, I need a stopping point, a marker, to give myself the permission to write something new.

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I’m giving myself permission to release what was and move on to something new. I’m giving myself permission to wrap up those five + months of writing into their own collection and let them stand alone for what they were and what they will be. In a blink of an eye, 2020 will come to a close. I hope to stand on the other side of it with a new word, a new perspective, the permission to do more great things, and come out holding hands with the people who still mean the most to me. Because one thing 2020 did not take from me was the love I have for my people, my boys, my tribe, my love.

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And if anyone has a killer idea for a word for me for 2021, please share. I’ve had a lot rolling around in my head but nothing that’s stuck.