I like to have Pinterest boards for my year and a Spotify playlist. They grow and evolve as the year goes on. Sometimes. I pinned the artwork for this post at the beginning of the year. I’ve been in the ‘Keep going’ spot, a lot. Some days, weeks, months more than others.

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I wish this week was next week already. Next week we will shift and move and change again. Something about that feels easier than doing another week of the same… but different.

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Walking on eggshells different.

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I want things to change. I’m not sure they will or can. I know if they do they will take time. The time is what scares me. What if I don’t have it? What if I missed my mark?

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I have these bursts in my mind where I see where I could go… perhaps where I’m heading… it’s scary, the good scary, it feels big, inviting, like dreams, and freedom, and coming into the person I’ve always known myself to be.

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In the next breath, it feels ominous. I can’t do or be or dream those things. What’s in front of me now is a mountain too large to climb and impossible to move.

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It’s like a small boat cast out to sea. Rocking on the waves of self-doubt, denial, fear.

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What if I can’t make this work?

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What if I can?

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I tell myself I’d be happy with small. With something in between. Something manageable with my life.

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My life.

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Precarious health. Strange schooling. Isolation.

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How does anyone accomplish anything during this time? But if not now then when? Never. The answer is never. I know that. I know if I don’t go for it now I never will. It’s hit that point.

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But… what if I’m putting myself first and that’s wrong? What if my dreams make others unhappy? What if my dreams get in the way of raising them and loving them? What if it really is all my fault?

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Keeping going.

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I try to push through and keep going. Do the next right thing. Do the next thing that makes the most sense. Make the phone call, by the therapy item, change the schedule, sit. Sit and be present. Don’t disappear. Don’t hide. Don’t run. Present. Stay present.

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Be brave.

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Stay present.

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Trust the process.

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I can do hard things.

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Permission.

Art by: Shawna Clingerman – Artist and Creativity Coach