It would be easy to say all those previous years of my life were the ones asking the questions and now I’m in the answering phase. I don’t think that’s true. Wouldn’t that be nice, though?

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I’m scared the real questions are starting now.

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It’s an intermingling of questions and answers. Days that ask, years that answer, months that question. Ebb and flow. The way the water runs in a river smooth and slow then fast and fierce. Up and over the rocks and logs. Swirling in the deep pools close to the edges. Ask and answer. Moving, moving, moving.

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The years have asked questions. Hard ones. They’ve posed queries I was unwilling to answer. Unwilling to search and learn and try. Impossible. They felt impossible.

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Until that whisper came to me. Damn that whispering voice.

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Be brave through this.

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Stay present in it.

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You can process these hard questions.

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I give you permission to leave.

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Dammit God. Don’t use my stupid yearly word resolutions to come back and smack me in the face. Don’t use the last three years of hard work on myself to show me it’s time to move on.

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I yell at God. Sometimes. A lot.

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Years of questions.

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Years of answers.

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He decided to force me into the answer this year. One big shove and we were on the other side. I’m still trying to stay present in it. I’m trying to not go to sleep when it’s hard. I’m trying to stay in it and not dissociate it all. I miss the answers when I refuse to stay present.

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The process and the present go hand in hand this year. I suppose they always did. It was never about perfect over present for me. That wasn’t what I was trying to work on. I was trying to not run away. I found freedom in staying this year. It wasn’t me who needed to leave. It was you. I think you’re free now, too.

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I’m on to new questions. Big ones. Hard ones. Life changing ones. I keep stepping out, answering with a ‘yes’, waiting to see what will happen.