“I can’t say a true thing
It’s hard to be that honest
I know you’re not asking
But I told you that I promised

There’s always two thoughts
One after the other:
I’m alone
No you’re not
I’m alone no you’re not

I know I’m pretending
When I try to have an answer
It’s not what I intended
And I don’t know what comes after

There’s always two thoughts
One after the other:
I’m alone
No you’re not”

I’m alone no you’re notSource: LyricFindSongwriters: Natalie Marie Closner / Meegan ClosnerHonest lyrics © Big Fish Little Fish Music

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I woke up with this song in my head today. The chorus really. It’s a great song with a haunting melody.

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Saturday afternoon until last night felt like a rollercoaster of emotions. We are all going through it with COVID and the school year coming up fast. Our district started the conversation of in-person learning, hybrid options, complete virtual learning, they did a lot of research and took time to educate the community. I spent most of last week weighing my options and trying my hardest to come to the best choice for my family. Then at almost the last moment, the district declared we will start the year off virtually and reassess later in the school year. It felt like whiplash. I wasn’t upset with our district, I felt they have done a wonderful job of listening to parents and community leaders and doing their part to flatten the curve and keep us all safe.

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I talked in length about school, my job, my dreams, the irony of it all with my counselor last night. I told her I know I’m not unique, we are all facing uncertain times, the rug continually coming out from under us. She thanked me for my acknowledgment of others and then gently urged me to give myself grace.
“Amanda, not everyone has gone through separation and divorce while facing a global pandemic. You’ve been through a lot. It’s okay to feel that.”

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In one moment I feel supported and cared for in a community of people. The next I feel alone and struggling upstream. I think we all have these moments. I’m alone. No I’m not. I’m supported. I have to do this on my own. I have a safety net. If I fail we go under. Push and pull. Ebb and flow. I’m alone. No I’m not.

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Whiplash. Everyday can feel like whiplash.