Yesterday was a hard day. I’m learning things about myself during this journey, such as, I expect too much of myself some days. I try and cram in more than I should in a day. I don’t work on Wednesdays right now (hi, quarantine) and I try to pack in as much fun and as much work at home as I can on those days. I need to learn to chill.

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I finished summer school homework with the Gavyn and went into my room and cried. Gideon found me and gave me a big hug. He has such compassion in his heart. He has eyes to see people when they are happy or hurting.

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Most days Gavyn feels like my beating heart outside of my body. I have such joy in watching him enjoy himself, push himself, learn new things. When he was a baby there were so many unknowns. Would he roll, crawl, sit, walk, talk? It is a struggle for him to do school. His medication for his seizures makes him especially slow and I know he finds it frustrating. I have felt a leveling out in him, I don’t see the regression I saw in 2018. Still, I wonder who he would be without the seizures.

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Somedays I can roll with his quirks, probably most days I do, but yesterday felt hard. Yesterday felt like a day to go let the grief out in tears. Allow myself the 5 minutes of panic and worrying about his future, my future, our future. I worry I won’t be able to care for him when he’s taller than me, weighs more than me, is a man who still needs me. It can paralyze me. Grip me with fear. It’s better to let myself feel it I’ve learned. Release it into the universe and pick myself up and move on. When I hold it in it cripples me.

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We made it to the pool yesterday. They love the pool. All four of them. It’s such an odd experience during COVID. No sharing of water toys with other patrons. No making new friends. Everyone staying away, wearing masks when they aren’t in the water, giving everyone the side-eye. But our pool community is never crowded, even in a normal summer, it was us and perhaps three other families in the entire facility yesterday. Gavyn was brave and strong and learned to hold his breath and get the rings I tossed with his foot and pull them out of the water. Gideon went off the diving board for the first time. Skyler taught Gideon to swim in the 9/12 foot water. Nevin was kind and helpful. It made the day feel better, easier, the magic of the pool.

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I grieved the loss of my marriage yesterday. The blog in the morning helped reveal some of the pain. I couldn’t let go of the fact that it took seven months and one day for it to end. It should have taken longer. Then I opened an email and read, “So expensive to break up a family.” I had a million snide comments I wanted to reply with. I didn’t reply at all. I cried some more. I thought about how much cheaper counseling would have been. How much cheaper showing up at appointments would have been. How much cheaper putting in the effort would have been. I chose to not respond because in the end, what does it matter anyway?

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I have to get up every day and move on because four boys depend on it. Because my life depends on it. I do care though. I cared a great deal. I still care. I can’t just turn that part of my heart off. It’s broken but it still beats.